Why I hated meditation

Why I hated meditation

It was a silent 10-Day retreat, where we didn’t eat after midday, there was no exercise or talking allowed, and we did nothing but sit for 10 hours and observe our breath… every… goddamn… day. 

I hated my first meditation retreat.

With a passion.

And you know, why? 

Because everytime I sat down to meditate, my mind was flooded with conversations about all the things I’d ever done wrong, all the catastrophic things that were going to happen next, and one or two of the greatest things I’d ever done (Thanks a lot, Mind).

Not only was it boring, it was painfully uncomfortable.

For 70 hours, I sat and sweated. 

My mind raved and ranted.

And then, one day – the magic happened.

Somewhere between wondering what I was going to have for lunch and hating the stabbing pain in my right knee, all the bullsh@# noise fell away. 

I slipped into the cool, dark space behind my mind, and I experienced pure bliss. 

Pure presence. 

There’s a space beyond your body and mind, and it’s you. 

We humans are curious creatures. I can talk about my body as if it belongs to me. I hate my body. My body is pretty amazing! And I can talk about my mind as if it belongs to me. Where did my mind go today? 

So that means I know I’m neither Body, or Mind.

Who I am is pure awareness.

So while this retreat was the hardest thing I had ever done. 

It is by far, one of the most beautiful and transformative experiences of my life.

All those thoughts, feelings and inane chatter – none of that is me. I’m not the vast array of mistakes I’ve held onto from the past, and I’m not whoever I think I “have” to be for anyone else. 

I’m the awareness that sits behind the body and mind – that’s my authentic self.

In childhood, we learn to shut down our authentic selves. We’re often punished for raw expressions of our true selves (crying, screaming with laughter), and rewarded for censoring our behaviour and truth.  

So we learn very quickly how to “pretend” to be someone else, to please somebody else. 

When I began to integrate my childhood authenticity, or my true self back into my life, my whole world changed for the better.

Suddenly, I could feel what I really wanted out of life.

I wasn’t weighed down by past mistakes.

I was guided by an uncontrollable sense of knowing what was right.

And best of all, I had the courage to go for it. 

I started meditating everyday and I stopped binge-eating daily. 

Because I ate less crap, I stopped staying up late and scrolling through social media.

Because I quit social media, I had to find other ways to connect, like helping others.

And because helping others felt good, I launched my first wellness company.

Since launching Karmably, I’ve met squillions of healthy, positive people, and surrounded myself with incredibly inspiring people, who only lift me higher!

And here I am. The healthiest, happiest and most loved up I’ve ever been. 

While my 10-Day retreat transformed my life, I also don’t feel that such a STRICT environment is necessary to experience the beauty, bliss and peace of who you are. 

We’re running a LUXURY 3 Day Wellness retreat on October 18th – 20th. Don’t stress. You’re allowed to talk, eat as much as you like! We’ll meditate, play with furbabies, do some yoga, get to the beach and connect.

Here’s a FREE guided meditation to help you let go of how things are “supposed to be” and LOVE how they are. 



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